Battling Raccoons

The other night I was in my studio and started hearing these god awful vocalizations coming from somewhere near me. I was trying to pinpoint the direction of the screeches and otherworldly coos when the thumping started.

The thing was on the roof.

I grabbed my biggest flashlight, ( those that know me know that I have a quite extensive flashlight collection... maybe as many as 20) and snuck out the back door onto the deck. I turned the "X-files" strength beam onto the corner of the roof were the commotion was still going on and saw meaty heads bobbing around, there was more than one. More than one big ass pissed off raccoon that is.

Then I saw them looking at me and in their eyes I saw that they no longer wanted to kill each other... but were forming a plan to kill me.

Almost immediately one hopped into the tree and started down, I kept the flashlight on him not wanting to get flanked... but the other was making scraping noises and I needed to see what he was doing so I but the beam back on him. The fucker was trying to find a way to jump down onto me! He was pacing back and fourth at the high edge of the roof looking for a way down to the lower part and then to me. he kept reaching his paws out like he was going to try to jump. I yelled at him but this had no effect what so ever. he was going to jump down and leap on me if I didn't get the hell out of there! The problem was I needed to go under him to get back to the door, It he got bold at the moment I made a break for it, I would end up with a face full of teeth, claws, fur, and bitterness.

I chanced a swing of the beam around to check on raccoon "B" and yes he was in fact making his way along the fence towards me. It was now or never... I made a dash for the door, flailing like a hippy ghost hunter running from a guy in a rubber mask. I fumbled at the knob and once I was more in then out I dared to pause and exact some verbal revenge... "Fuck you! You fucking raccoons!" I am sure they felt the full sting of my harsh words and are even now, several days later astonished that I could have been so cruel.